What I Learned from "Fair Play" by Eve Rodsky
CPE’s for the Home
What does Fair Play promise?
Fair Play promises to help stop:
Inefficiencies at home
Scorekeeping with your partner around who is doing what around the home
The title of default parent
Feeling like a nag
Feeling disappointed and resentful towards your partner
Burning out from doing it all
Sold? I know I was!
What is Fair Play?
Fair Play is a system for dividing the household tasks between you and your partner. It gives you clear vocabulary, assessments, and project management models to keep things streamlined, organized, and to give clear ownership of tasks. The idea is that by dividing household task cards between partners, and each partner owning the full Conception, Planning, and Execution (CPE) of task, it will alleviate the invisible mental workload and friction that pops up around who does the task, how the task gets done, and when the task gets done. It is also about promoting and protecting each partner’s sacred Unicorn space (more on that later) and setting up the partnership to be a win-win.
Takeaways
Conception, Planning, Execution (CPE) is the way to be.
This concept of one partner completely owning the task from start to finish was mind blowing to me. The pros of doing this is that it prevents breakdown in execution (because the person executing possesses all the important details and understands the entire context of the task) and prevents doubling-up in effort or the ball getting dropped by both (because each partner thought the other partner was going to take care of it). Tied into this is the Minimum Standard of Care (MSC), which is the accepted and agreed upon standard of execution of task. Discussion is important because it means identifying all the steps and standards. For example, the CPE and MSC of taking out the trash could include:
Designating a “trash day” or level at which the trash is taken out
Making sure there are trash bags ready for use
Physically taking the trash to the dumpster
Wiping down the trash can if it’s gross
Placing a new trash bag inside the trash can
In Fair Play, only one partner owns all of this completely when holding the trash task card. Ownership is empowering (for the person doing it) and freeing (for the person not worrying about it getting done).
Stop the RATs (Random Assignment of a Task).
When I read what RAT stood for, I immediately recognized my role in it (especially during wedding planning 😬). The Random Assignment of a Task usually occurs when one partner has done conception and planning, but asks the other partner to execute the task. Sometimes it works out beautifully. Other times, one partner will feel like “the nag” giving out orders and the other partner is the “helper” complying, and friction happens when execution standards aren’t met. “Randomness” is removed when there is defined ownership. No more RATs.
Delegation and reminding is work. Consistent ownership is key.
And sadly, the book points out, reminding is often unfairly called nagging. A reminder requires knowing what needs to be done and that in itself is invisible work that adds to the mental load. Being the person to always do the invisible labor of conceptualizing and planning is also grinding work. To quote the book, “We need our partners to take the lead by consistently picking up a task, or “card” — week after week — and completely taking it off our mental to-do list by doing every aspect of what the card requires. Otherwise we still worry about whether the task is being done as we would do it, or done fully, or done at all - which leaves us still shouldering the mental and emotional load for the “help” or the “favor” we had to ask for.”
Just because it’s invisible, doesn’t mean it isn’t work.
The book breaks down what contributes to overwhelm:
Mental Load - the never-ending mental to-do list as the keeper of all your family’s tasks.
Second Shift - the unpaid domestic work done before and after your workday is over.
Emotional Labor - the social, caring work required to maintain relationships and manage emotions of family members and key people in your circle.
Invisible Work - the behind-the-scenes work that keeps the household and family running seamlessly; often unnoticed and unappreciated.
All time is created equal.
We all have 24 hours in a day. To quote the book, “Hours spent working in service of the home are as time-worthy as the hours spent working outside the home.” Enough said.
Unicorn Space is important.
Unicorn space is about your unique individuality beyond your role as a partner or parent. It’s the passions, hobbies, work, and interests that make us interesting and engaging in them increases our sense of self and sense of worth. These are the things that make us come alive, work that we would do for free because we enjoy it so much, and experiences that get us into the flow state. It’s highly encouraged to connect your unicorn space with sharing the endeavors of it with the world (or your circle).
Play the game to win
The book expertly lays out how to approach the Fair Play conversation with your partner, how to avoid common traps and mistakes, how to define household values, how to reframe toxic time messages, and how to reclaim your unicorn space. But ultimately, it gives you a framework for finding a fair solution so that your partnership is setup for lasting success.
Personally, I am excited to apply the CPE approach for the rest of our wedding planning and then take a deeper look at how its concepts can enhance our household teamwork.
Would you introduce Fair Play into your partnership?
Resources:
”Fair Play” by Eve Rodsky
”Fair Play” documentary
Fair Play cards can be purchased or downloaded for free at https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards when you sign up for the Fair Play digital newsletter.